| Isotopes |
[Mar. 29th, 2008|12:21 am] |
I must make an episode of TODAY: the episode named, Daddy's coming home.
bakeman comes home from a long day of bombing in worcester. children gather round to see pictures. daddy is generous tonight and asks if there is any paint. he feels like throwing up a peice after taking a piss. he throws up a peice while me and bryon watch in amazement of his odd form. he keeps his body perfectly straight. i suggest this is the real reality tv because of how real life authentic it is. jace tells bakeman to throw up the quote. he does, with steeze. they all sit around the couch while big daddy bakeman shows them the pictures of their long day of work.
TODAY: the episode named, Candy.
Me and bryon followed several people up to Atom's upstairs. we all sat in relaxment due to the couches provided. we all had discussions and laughs. then everyone began to move downstairs. me and bryon stayed on the couches because we were comfortable. Diggydoo stayed in his chair because he is lazy and fat. me and bryon bored to think of conversation, suddenly looked to the floor. we both saw several pills laying on the floor. I daringly suggest first, "Their ebles I say!", as bryon surely disagrees. "Its probably some aspirin", bryon suggests. I, in excitement say, "no dude it's ebles! Try one and we will find out". Bryon declines to eat it, and replies, "i dunno know what they are, but its not ebles". I look about the floor noticing several more of the same pills laying about. I then willingly admit, "No dude, its not ebles, or else it wouldnt be all over the floor." Bryon laughs along, while diggydoo stands up and walks over. Bryon asks him what he thinks it is. Diggy bends down, picks one up and smells it, then proceeds to eat it. looks up with a smile and says, "its candy!". Me and bryon laugh along forgetting our squabble. as diggy walks away, bryon asks, "wait but how did you know it was candy?", to which he replis, "Im fat, i know what candy is" END.
BLOOPER REEL: for better for worse.
We all gathered in the grafiti room, to draw muerals on the ways. dennis drew an evil clown and they put up the strobe light to amplify the effects of the scare. i was pretty high as everyone knew because i was filming a television series in my head. they asked me to come into the room after i had exited shortly before. diggy escorted me in toward the wall as denni's arm came reaching out through a hidden hole. unsurprisingly i turned and looked at them. Diggy asks, "werent you scared?" to which i replied, "I expected better from you guys". The lights came on and we all walked off the set with nods and laughs.
TODAY: episode called The Panther.
BREAKING UPDATES: I discovered how to hallucinate with E-like halucinations on simple marijuana. Get very high, and begin to squint your eyes, keep focused and relax your mind. You start noticing little details dissapear or possible stretches or distortions. your hallucination will continue and pulsate. You think to yourself why is hallucinating induced by a simple bluring of my eyes. isnt that kind of dumb. but whats actually happening is as you squint your eyes, they twitch, your brain shuts down your eyeballs before your eyelids close. so you are seeing things but your brain is throwing out some of the visionary data because it deems it unnessesary because it thinks the eye is closed. this causes losses of data, jumps, and distortions in what your brain percieves visually, also allowing your mind to intervene at times. then you begin to hallucinate. may not work without efficient highness, or proper mind relaxation or motivation. reminder this isnt something to replace a substance, just think about how stupid you would look skipping school to squint at each other. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Feb. 6th, 2007|10:58 pm] |
Senior Year.
begins witht eh ending of Summer 05'
"the summer of good friends"
**2005**
August 30(t) - first day of school(Me Judd Bryon Billy Pat Culp crammed in car)
September 1(th) - last day of school before cap cod, Pat got hair cut, i yelled at Patricia. old country buffet, got really sick, fell out of car, played tag with mike and chrissy, got in trouble when judd screamed, "FUCK!"
September 2(f) - left for cape cod, stopped at wendy's got there late.
September 5(m) - came back from cape cod
September
October
November
December
January
February
March
April
May
June
July
|
|
|
| what do you know? |
[Apr. 28th, 2006|12:31 am] |
I was being used.
she was talking to Zack the whole time we were dating.
she dumped me for zack while she was living with me for a phone relationship.
she still fucked me as she was dating zack.
She made out with james topless, with intentions of fucking him.
She had been talking to zack on the phone even after they broke up for good.
She even called me once and said, "Zack?" than hung up whens he realized she called the wrong number.
She lied to me, flew to florida.
made up with zack.
made OUT with zack.
took pictures.
put them on myspace.
continued to lie straight till the bitter end.
she went back to florida.
she fucked zack.
she fucked zack again.
she talked to me again.
cried her whoring little eyes out.
she deserved every single tear and cut on her arm.
now she wants to speak to me again.
i forgave her.
was I mistaken?
she regrets everything.
you either regret or you learn.
guess she has learned nothing.
maybe she will show me how much she really does care.
I doubt it, i even had to tell her she has to show how much she cares.
she still doesnt understand.
I forgave her, and so far its not doing too well.
I hope just maybe, just maybe, she will realize what she needs to do.
Carmen Elena Villalobos.
I have no right to make a girl feel like shit. make her bow down to me. to tell her I am better than her, and everything she did is wrong. I have no right to make her feel like shit, and laugh at the misery she feels, I have no right. I gave her my heart without question. Maybe I should have questioned it, because she lied to me, ruined my life, cheated on me, lied to me many many many many more times, cheated on me again, lied so many more times, and completely disrespected and trashed my heart and every feeling i ever had. Since then I have had no heart, I have no feelings, at least for her. If she ever wants to feel loved by me ever again, she is gonna ahve to repair the damage she made first, fix my heart, give me back my feelings, and show eternal forgiveness to the things that cant be fixed. Sounds one sided right? So why would she have to do that for me? Because if you truly truly HONESTY care about someone than you would do this without question. God knows I did it for her the whole time we dated, all the times i KNEW what she did, even when I found out she had cheated on me, I forgave her and still loved her with all ym heart and would have done anything for her, but since then she has done ALOT FUCKING worse.
nigger |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 16th, 2006|08:41 am] |
i wrote some more stuff but deicided to delete it because if carmen ever read it she would probably break up with me again. I didnt write anything bad at all. I wrote the truth and i went into some detail about how much i cared for carmen, and how much i apreciated her and the things ive done for her. but like previously, she might pick out a single bad word out of a page of good words and make all my words and heart go to shit. She would probably react negatively if she read this as well, but i dont care. She shouldnt. I feel like she doesnt give a fuck about my feelings at all alot of times. Thats fine I dont care, i still love her.
I'll just sit alone in pain till she is in a better mood and decides to speak to me. Thats how its usually done.
in my series of paragraphs previous posted. Carmen told me not to regret a word of it. As if everything i had written was negative. when she finaly spoke to me again and i was able to contact her over aim, she was only able to tell me of a single sentence(that i admit i shouldnt have written or even felt) was the cause of it, when said, "i hung up because i was getting fed up". thats it. out of my whole friggin page of writing, she broke up wth me because of that one sentence. She gave me another reason but apparantly what she thought she read either didnt exist or she misquoted or misread.
i know she didnt break up with me just because of that, its problems with her family. i get the feeling she is just trying to pinpoint reasons to break up with me so she can deal with her family alone. it doesnt matter if she doesnt have a boyfriend, that still didnt stop her brother from beating the shit out of her and didnt stop her parents from having her arrested. Her family is always going to be fucked up no matter what she does, she cant change that. I hate family, i hate my family and i hate other people's familys. because family are people who no matter how bad they are or how much they hate you, you can never leave them(so long as you are young)and no matter how much you disown them or they disown you, you are still bound to them through biological means and childhood experiences, so thus even if you were to leave your family at the age of 18 and never see them again, they will always haunt you and always be there in the back of your mind still to the future day affecting your life.
it doesnt matter if i never speak to her again or never see her again, i will always be plagued by the huanting issues i have with my mother, even when im older, years from now.
carmen is laying next to me in my sister's bed, while im on the pc.
its amazing, the things this human being feels, has been through, has felt, will feel, will go through, the way she looks, the way she acts, everything. she is beautiful, she is wonderful, if only i could live in a log cabin in the middle of nowhere alone with her, with no other possesions or people in the world. by her side i'd be forever happy.
well i'd be even happier if it were a small japanese house by the plains near the shore of the sea of japan. i like japan. its so beautiful and such a great society and incredible scenery. I dont even care if i ever get to go to japan, so long as im with her. But i will. I'll take her with me to japan. things only happen if you make them, and I will make this. I promise myself. If carmen stays with me, then my life will have been completed. Japan and Love. The two things I had yet to experience and the two things I desired most in life.
Carmen has brought me through some crazy times since i met her, and I dont regret anything, because as bad as they were, I still loved her, and she was still there with me, always, just like she told me in that note. I just wish she didnt have to go back to her house and family, i dont want her to have to relieve past tradgedies and live new ones. She can stay here as long as she wants, i hope she never goes home, I want her to live with my family. They all get along really well, except my mother(she is still a bitch), but she never leaves her room anyway and probably isnt as bad as Carmen Molina.
I still dont know what carmen's future is, she is sleeping and still has yet to tell me what happened this morning. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 16th, 2006|05:37 am] |
| [ | music |
| | take my breath away | ] |
last time i talked to carmen was around 1am last night.We got into a small argument about a gatorade cap. By argument, I mean she got offended by something i said, whether or not she was joking i dont know(guess she really was upset) because she just ceised talking to me. She went upstairs to my sister's room and used her computer which is what Im on now. I checked in on carmen a few times then went to sleep on the couch.
Right now its 5:40. I couldnt remember my password so i emailed it to myself. I forgot i had to choose a different password than usual for this site because it requires numbers. Im on my little sister's pc, she is at my house right now.
This morning at about 4am i heard someone come down the stairs and go out the front door. Half asleep, i figured it was my mom's boyfriend or my sister's boyfriend, or my friend andy. As i came a little bit more out of sleep i realized andy didnt stay over, neither did my mom's boyfriend, and my sister's boyfriend wouldnt have come from upstairs. I got up and looked out the window, it was carmen.
I was confused and concerned. I went back to the couch and tried to sleep again, i figured maybe she just had to do something real quick, i dont know go to the store or sumthing. Upon laying down i reached further thoughts. Where the hell was she going, a friends house? My dad's house? Her house? I figured she was on the computer all night and she probably did or realized something wrong, and became emotionaly cornered.
I got up and got my shoes on as fast as i could. i put on my shirt and grabbed my jacket. i grabbed my wallet and money in case it was needed. I went out the door and ran down the street. I was heading for the contruction entrance to the projects considering if she was going to her house thats the way she would probably take. If not, i could always check everywhere else, with me running and her walking, i shouldnt have trouble finding her at 4am.
As I turned the corner of veterans ave to the conctruction street, i saw carmen down by the contruction entrance walking. I ran after her. I finally caught up to her halfway down the grass hill. I think i kind of scared her. I asked her what she was doing. She explained to me that she called her...
she just walked in the door |
|
|
| Fuck Off |
[Dec. 30th, 2005|04:01 am] |
|
Live Journal has done nothing but fuck me over, and cause me so much shit. LJ can go fuck itself, I'm never writing in it again. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 26th, 2005|12:09 am] |
Its 12:09am December 26th. At least when I started writing this. I dont know why I'm writing in this fucking journal. To say everything on my mind, i could fill a fucking book. I truly believe i could fill several books after the times i spent writing out my thoughts, and experiences in some word documents. I ended up writing for hours, and filling a massive amount lines, only writing about a single situation, which I didnt even finish. Sometimes i think maybe a should write a book. I mean, it will give me something to do. Maybe i could get it published. I could write it in a weird unique style, that will make it interesting and somewhat fun to read, thus giving it some kind of likeness to readers. By doing this, maybe I could actually become a well selling book, and actually make a little money. Maybe it could become a best seller, and I could pull in alot of money, or maybe it will be turned into a movie. Who would want to read about my life and thoughts though. As much as it drives me insane, and as many views as I have on the world, and as depressed or angry i get, or how ever many troubles i have with my life or the things and people in it. Im simply just some stupid kid, bitching about problems in my perfect life, not apreciating what I have. People read some pretty weird things, and actually enjoy some pretty weird things. People enjoy things that may seem boring or pointless, but see deeper meaning in it. The crowd of people seem to be especially fond of this, i guess maybe they have a deeper sense of imagination or thought, than people who prefer to watch movies instead, I dont know. Not to mention my writing would only be frowned upon, as not only unapreciative ranting, but also stupidly bland, obvious meanings. I dont really see any need to hide my intentions behind metaphores or confusing word structures. When I see something that I find very interesting or beautiful for example, i want people to see it as I see it. I dont want them to confuse it, or get the wrong meaning of it, through individual interpritation of a metaphore. Otherwise they will never know what its truly about. Kind of like how books are. Most people read a book. They enjoy it, they get their own vision of how everything is in the book. They understand in their own way. Then when it is made into a movie, they end up not lking the movie, because their understanding of the book was different from the movie. I'm not saying people interprit things incorrectly, especially since the movies are usually alot different from the books, because the director or screen writer is very rarely ever the actually book author.
For example. Fight Club. Its pretty much about a guy who is struggling with every day boring, same old life. Looking at it from a different point of view, he is a slave to the corporate world, living life with no meaning. So he is guided through a search for higher meaning. The higher meaning of it all, is simply that there is no meaning, and no hope, to deal with this reality, they fight. The experience true adrenaline, real, painful, blissful reality. Accepting and embracing all the misery of life. Only to find out his guide was himself in a split personality scenerio. So thus he helped himself make this change. But upon furthering this reality it becomes out of control into a massive anarchist movement. Throughout the whole story, the main character shows traits, of never truly letting go of his old life. As he goes deeper into this life, he realizing, that this massive anarchist movement, of worthless people, all the same, all doing as they are told, he is becoming lost once again, and it is turning out the same as his old corporate life. Only at least then, he had an indentity, to which he at least knew himself.
This is one interpriation of fight club I have come up with, out of hundreds, maybe thousands. This is actually only one of many that I myself have. However upon further inspection of the book and movies, and I have even gotten admition from the author himself, that the book and movie is filled with homosexual meanings and metaphores. For all the audience knows, this whole book was Chuck Palahniuk's story of a guy coming to terms with himself being gay, and trying to find a new meaning to life through homosexuality.
Anyways, enough of this.
On thursday me and carmen actually hung out. We went to my house and she raped me. I was very confused and still am confused about this, to the point that i cant even bring ymself to talk about it or bring it up, because i dont know what happened, why or how i am supposed to feel about it. She didnt really rape me, just for some reason, at the moment I wanted nothing more than to feel physically, how i feel psychologically. In terms, worthless, and helpless, only waiting on the mistress that has such power over me, she could command me to kill myself, and i could do nothing but follow her ever order, knowing that she is my everything and i have no will of life without her. Whether she needs me the same way or not, is irrelvant, because she is the mistress, I am the slave. Feelings came to life. at least for a little while.
I'm not sure where we stand in our relationship after that. Everytime I said goodbye to her over the phone and such, neither of us tld eac other we loved the other one. I have said "I love you" a few times since then, but I cant remember if she responded or not. Friday, I got out of school, after stayin in detention with carmen. I walked her home, and went to my house. I took a shower and listened to music while my hair dried. I straightened my hair, then went to the bank and took out 70 dollars. I took the bus to sulivan. I took sulivan to downtown crossing. I took downtown crossing to Alewife. I took the 67 bus to arlington center. The I walked to brigham's. I got to see carmen. I ordered an oreo sunday and a root beer. I never had an oreo sunday, i just remember carmen telling me her cousin Katie always gets one, and my friend Andy got one, and It sounded really good. After that I ordered a chicken stir fry, which looked like a really healthy meal. It was good, but it wasnt prepared properly, and I had alot of extra pepper and onion peels left. Carmen finished up and we left together. We walked to a payphone where she caled her mother to tell her she was taking the bus home. She bought some eyeliner at CVS. We waited for the bus. The whole time home, Carmen was really hyper and being playful with me. When she is like that, she likes to jokingly insult me alot, and hit me. And she often likes to push me away and not sit near me for some reason. She finds it really funny to see me embaressed and in pain. She also likes to bite and scratch me alot. I play along with it mostly, but it does bother me a little deep down. I dont like when she pretends not to like me, especially since she is spending the very little time I have with her, not liking me. It also bothers me, that I cant seem to be playful back with her, or else she seems to get upset. I remember once I stuck a Funion in her mouth and she gots so upset at me, that it was one of the major problems or fights that we have had. I dont know why she gets so angry at me. There is nothing she could ever possibly do to me, to make me hate her, or not want to be near her, even if she is hitting, biting, and insuting me. Delrossi called me at the same time he always does(while Im at sullivan station with carmen). So we didnt have to take the bus. At the train station Me and Carmen were hanging out, and even proceed to making out and she actually took off her shirt and had me play with her breasts. Sometimes I feel Carmen's judgement is very skewed when she is with me. In fact I know it is. But even when I try to tell her that, she gets upset at me. Im not sure if she really gets upset or is joking, but she does the thing where she doesnt talk to me, and walks away, leaving me begging for her to stay or say something, Whenever I try to tell her that if people see her doing this, they are going to think she is a whore. She usually replies as if I called her a whore. Carmen has a conflict with being called a whore, she told me once. I believe because of the fact that she has nevereven had sex before, she finds it very small minded and ignorantly assuming of people to call her that. Kind of like how I find it very offensive to be called a druggy, because I have never done drugs in my life, I've never even smoked a cigarette. Carmen even has internal conflicts with herself about being a whore, being as she has called her self one, a few times. Once in a picture she gave me, and once written on her wrist, that I can remember. I guess Carmen not having good decision making about herself comes from either her life of solitude, not being able to have any friends from movings and from being locked up in the house. Or from her lack of self care from being raised by abusive family. I dont know for sure. I'll never know for sure. Unless I am actually her, living her life. I can never truly know everything.
Delrossi came. He was with his step brother, Rob. And they were in his friend, Mike Michete's car, who was driving.
We dropped off Carmen. I said goodbye, and I think I said I love you. I cant remember. I was going to get out with carmen and walk home, but I didnt see the point, seeing as she needed to get home as quickly as possible, and we didnt have time to hang out for a few minutes before she went in anyway. I forgot to tell her to call me. She didnt anyway. I was just going to go home, but Delrossi wanted to go Hostess Hunting. I decide, I might as well. Having fun with Delrossi helps me deal with my torment of not being with or talking to carmen. In case you didnt know, when Im not with her it drives me insane. especially when she doesnt call, because with a life as unstable as hers, I never know what could possibly be happening to her. Michete dropped off, Me, rob, and delrossi at Pat's house. We took Pat's car. We went to the factory and they loaded up the backseat with mostly DevilDogs. I didnt get out of the car. We took off. Pat had roginally planned to fuck up his ex-girlfriends house this night, but we ended up not doing it. His ex-girlfriend Tiffany, who he said has been talking shit about him. Tiffany was really smart and nice, though we was slightly overwieght, I feel pat should have stuck with her, but he ended up beign a real asshole to her and they ended up breaking up. This was probably the best Night I've ever been hostess hunting. So many good hits. This one street was just nonstop people, with nonstop throwing of snacks. This one guy I nailed right in the face, walking alone. Rob hurled an entire box of donuts at an oncoming windsheild. We swear the impact was so hard, we could hear the windsheild crack, the box flew seriously about 100 feet in the air and took like 10 seconds to land. I nailed some guy right in the ass with a pack of donuts. We barraged this nigga with his girlfriend, then when he turned his head around, he got a point blank box of devil dogs to the face. We opened fire on a big group on people outside a bar. Delrossi his this lady right across the face, that I could swear was Mrs Blake. There were some cops that stopped a guy, we slowed down and he came up to us. He asked if Pat was the one with the loud tires, since pat was screeching arund corners. Luckily we had already thrown all the snacks, so the backseat was empty. He was really nice and let us go, we didnt do anything wrong, he was just joking around with us. We ended up dropping of Andy and Rob. On the way to my house, Pat drove the wrong way down a one way into Elm st. Like he always does. Luckily enough, there was a cop right at the end of that street, seriously about 6 feet away from us. But I guess he didnt notice. I went in. I cant remember what I did after I went in, but I guess at some point I went to sleep.
The next day sucked. I slept till about 1pm on christmass eve. I have nothing to do today, my dad is working, everyone is probably out or away, I dotn knwo if carmen is working or not, but if she isnt, than she is with her family doing something. I listened to music until about 5:30. Delrossi told me to go to his house and wrap present with him if I was bored. I did. I wrapped presents for his little brother Brandon. Then he invited me to a christmas party that he was going to on his dad's side of the family. It was really uncomfortable, I had no where to sit, and no one to talk to, so I just stood there and ate some food. Later Delrossi, his brother and some cousins decided to go downstairs and play Nintendo 64. So we played Mario tennis for a while, then left. We were driving with his rich dad, with his young girlfriend and expensive car. He dropped us off at Delrossi's grandmother's house so that he could get the car. Me Delrossi and his brother Cameron, took the car to find pat, because he has left some cards in pat's car. After much fucking around, trying to fucking get pat to cooporate, we ended up going hostess hunting again, on christmas eve. This night was pretty good as well. We ended up having like 6 cars trying to hunt us down, we got in a pretty good chase with 2-3 cars hunting as all at once. Soon enough, the night ended. Went home. Lacuna Memory. Sleep. Oh wait, I remember. I checked myspace and found Carmen has actually done a chain bulletin. I decided I would do it as well. It was worst things to say after sex. I couldnt believe carmen had been on myspace, let alone doen a bulletin. I messed around for a little bit, then found she sent me a comment. She was on myspace at the moment. We had a small conversation through comments, until she left me a comment saying, "I have to go". She said she would call me when she got home, but she didnt. Im not surprised, it was like 2 in the morning.
Woke up, christmas morning. I stayed in bed for a while. I didnt feel like getting up. Someone called and woke me up. It was Carmen. First time I had spoke to her since Friday. We talked for a little bit, but soon enough she had to go. Fuck. I have no idea when she I am possibly going to speak to her again. I quickly called back her mother's cell phone. Carmen picked up and I asked her when she was going to call me. She said about 7, she sounded kind of iritated. I tried to go back to sleep, but couldnt. I went to the bathroom. Looked at my ugly mornign face in the mirror. Washed it, popped all the fucking new pimples that grow while I sleep. Then my dad asked if I wanted to open gifts. I guess. Im not too exicited. I didnt want anything and asked for nothing, but I already knew he bought me a guitar. Delrossi told me, he saw my dad buying it. I asked for one while I was playing with my sister's guitar, but after Carmen told my dad, she probably wasnt getting anything for christmas, it made me think, I'm 17 fucking years old, I dont want anything, I dont play video games, I dont watch movies much anymore, there is nothign i really want, and even if I did want something, I dont feel i deserve it. I didnt even want a guitar. I figured maybe if I had one, it would just give me something to do, maybe I could impress carmen, by getting good and learning to play some cool songs. I got a guitar, a movie, and some hygene products(deodorant, body spray, shower gel, shaving cream, stridex pads, etc). I went into my room and started listen to music and playing my guitar, The we had to go to my grandmother's house which we usually do every christmas or christmas eve. Me and my dad walked up to my mother's. I was pissed off at him because he yellsa at me for wearing ripped cloths and looking like shit. He's always done this, probably why I always hated going to my grandmother's. I sat utside near the sitewalk leaning against a railing waiting for my dad to finish whatever he was doing. He had to give my little sister her gifts. My older sister came out and talked to me. She gave a a gift card to Target. My mother tried to talked to me from a distance, but I gave no response, I didnt even look in her direction. A Cab pulled up and we took it to my grandmother's house. My grandmother, grandfather, aunt Renee, uncle Jeff, Aunt Sumiko, and cousins Tina and Alice were there as usual. My other Japanese/American cousin, Julia, is in Japan. We opened gifts. As usual everyone got mostly clothes and useless gifts. I dont have a problem with getting clothes, but most of the clothes I get I will never wear, and simply flood my room, till I clean it and thrown them out.
I sat by myself at the dining room table for a few hours. I was thinking alot. One thing I noticed, I'm the only person in my entire family that has acne. Like the previous night, I had to wear my left sleeve down, to cover the cuts on my arm. A few people asked me if anything was wrong, I said, "no". My oldest cousin Tina, tried to talk to me for a little bit, to fill her boredom. She reminds me of my older sister, she is around the same age, acts the same, and has the same habits, and interests. They eventually left. And then we stayed for longer as usual. I was really tired and layed down on the couch, while everyone was in the dining room. Finally my dad decided to leave. My grandmother drove us home. I went in, went upstairs. And once again I cant remember what I did after I went in. I think i was killing time until Carmen would call me at 7. She called me at almost exactly 7. She said she was going to call me back in 10 minutes because she had to do something. If she cant call me on time, than thats all I ask for. Just call me and tell me that, and you can call me back later. She called back and we kind of talked. I recently hate talking to Carmen on the phone. Since its a holiday, her family is always partying and having relatives and friends over, thus there is always alot of noise in the background, I cant hear carmen, and carmen cant hear me, because she doesnt pay attention and gets distracted by the people around her, ie her brother, sister, and cousin. She said she would call me back later. I think I decided to go to sleep. Took me a while to fall asleep. Before I fully fell asleep, my phone rang. It was Bryon. He called me and said, "yo I just finished watching fight club, and we gotta start clubbing again" something I've been saying, for the past few weeks. It took me a while to fall back asleep. My phone rang and woke me up at around 10:30. It was carmen. we talked for a little bit. The conversation wasnt as pleasant towards the end as it could have been, but it wasnt bad either. I hate talking to carmen over the phone recently. I asked her if I was going to be able to see her at all, once during this whole vacation. She said she didnt know, which pretty much means, its not likely. No school, for a week, either her mother is going to keep her busy all day, or she is going to sleep, and do nothing all day. Either way, she isnt aloud to leave her house because her mother doesnt let their kids go out, unless its for school or work. She eventually had to go, around 11:30. I asked her when she was going to call me again. She said, she guesses she would call me at around noon. I said, "whatever is convenient" she said, "bye" but I hung up because I was really fed up with this shit and wanted to sleep. I dont think she even knows I hung up on her. I've never hung up on Carmen before, I never hang up on anyone. I always wait for them to. I only hung up on Carmen twice before on the same night, once because she was pretending to be drunk, and then after she called back I hung up because she wanted to break up. Anyways, I couldnt go back to sleep. For some strange reason my computer screen turned. I eventually just got up, went to the bathroom, then came back and started using the computer. Bryon IM'd me. I said maybe one thing to him. Then check myspace. Culp left me like 3 comments. Then I decided to write in my live journal. On the phone Carmen brought up my previous entry. She said, she doesnt think that should be my last entry. I guess not, seeing as I am going out with ehr again, or am I? I dont fuckign know, and I know if I ask her, she wont know either, either way, I need something to keep me busy till I can fall asleep, and wait for her to call me at noon. When I first started typing this, I started thinking about my sister. I remember at one point in our relationship, me and carmen were trying to figure out solutions and she actually suggested we find our own apartment, and she suggested maybe my older sister could help us. My older sister gave me a Target Gift card earlier today. She said her number was in it, incase I ever wanted to hang out or sumthing. Recently I've been seeing ironic signs everywhere suggesting things about me and carmen. They are not really ironic, they are just there, i probably just never say any need to pay antention to them until now. But anyways, whhen I tookt eh gift card, about half hour ago, and opened it up, to put her number in my phone. I saw the actualy gift card. It had a little graphic on it. It was a penguin. |
|
|
| and so i die |
[Dec. 21st, 2005|08:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | none | ] |
| [ | music |
| | none | ] |
December 21st, somewhere between 1:30am and 2:00am. Its over. The end. Guess I no longer have need for this journal. Every promise, I've ever made to her I've kept. If only she could have done the same. I ruined her life, she ruined mine. Our lives were ruined but at least we were together. apparantly she wants her life more than me, which is ironic because she once tried to take her one life. But I guess this is the end, I only long to see her smile once more, and to hold her once more, to kiss her lips, dry and flaked from her pretty crimson lipstick, to not just kiss her, but her to kiss me back. I'm still in the process of keeping a promise. And I will continue to keep it, till the day she comes back to me, if she ever does. My penguin. Carmen Elena Villalobos.
I guess it was outside of Amoroso's room.
The final time I would hear those words, repeat those words.
And see her smile the prettiest smile, that I could ever dream of.
i am a guppy
guppy's dont smile
but i am a guppy
and im gonna smile
now smile
The end. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 13th, 2005|09:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | gettin fed up | ] |
| [ | music |
| | fall into sleep - Mudvayne | ] |
From the second I woke up I knew it was a bad day. I woke up at 6, plugged in my iron, went back to bed. woke up at about 7:06. in between that time i had a weird dream that i had to get to school in like 8 minutes, and i think Mr. Amoroso gave me a ride, and he was with some big breastest chick, seeing as amoros is fond of the ladies. woke up. i didnt even turn my iron on. luckily it heats up in like 30 seconds. straightened my hair, went to school. got soem markers from martino's class so I could write my return note to carmen. I wrote it, and finished it. carmen is usually late to homeroom. she walked in late as usual. she looked really pretty today. she didnt look too happy. i handed her my note. I asked her why she was late. She replied, "because i was" we walked down the hall to her first period not touching or saying a word. Outside of Mr. Blake's room, i tried to ask her what was wrong. She replied, "the bell rang, mr blake's right there, i have to go. In first period i wrote her naother note. It was a bleeding black rose, "I'm sorry but i dont know whats wrong" I ran to her second period to give it to her. She kind of ignored me and went to class. During second period I wrote a poem. probably the first poem I've ever written. I ran to her 3rd period to give it to her. I didnt bother to stick around for her ignore me again, i got the feeling she didnt want me around, and I didnt wanna make her feel uncomfortable, escpecially in front of Ms Reise, who is quite fond of carmen. After 3rd period carmen gave me a note. I read it, during 4th. She was very upset for some reason. I mean, I know why she was upset, but I dont know what triggered her to feel that way. She said after she hung up with me the previous night.(It was a fine conversation, we didnt argue or anything, her and her cousin were just having fun toying with me, which actually doesnt make me feel to good)Last time her and her cousin did that they were pretending to be drunk, and threatend to call someone else to talk, if i was boring or hung up. anyways this night, after we said good night, love you, and hung up. Apparantly she called her ex boyfriend zack who lives in hollywood florida and spoke with him and his mother. they really wanted to see her when she goes to florida, because she is going to florida for the whole fucking christmas vacation. Carmen was also pissed about when I say, sometimes i feel she truly doesnt trust or love me anymore because she wont talk to me or tell me what she is thinking or feeling at alot of times. I looked up on a map and found that Fort Lauderdale(where carmen's desired college is), Hollywood(where zack lives) and Miami(where carmen is going on vacation) are are withing very close distance to each other. the college is about 4 miles away from zack, and miami is under an hour away from zack. She told me she had been planning to go florida to see zack since the summer. but her plans have changed and she doesnt plan on seeing him. She also told me she hadnt planned on talking to him, guess she lied about that. She told me, that there was no way she could see zack, seeing as he lives far away from miami(only an hour, real far) and her relatives would never let zack stay in the house. Upon learning the location of Hollywood in relevance to Miami, its under an hour away. Seriously, if she were to go to Miami, zack would not hesitate to find a ride there to see her. I had written to carmen in a note previous to these events, that if she were to ever speak to zack again, i wouldnt mind, if she would just tell him about me. Some times, i think she is just meant to be with zack. But I'm not even sure if she did that, from her response from when i was talking to her this day, it appears she didnt tell him about me. In the note she also said she doesnt know if she can really continue and was considering giving up on us being together. More signs of her breaking another promise to me. As of right now, the next day. Seeing as I left this unfinished all night and day by accident, she promise to call me at 7:30. Its almost 7:49. I'm sure she has a reason but still. I'm not gonna tell her not to make promises she cant keep, because then she will be afraid to promise me anything. But she should make a promise and keep true to it. Honestly, i dont see any obstacle too big to keep me from fulfilling a promise. and I dont see any for her either. Especially since this summer, my friend Pat has been really unreliable, saying he was going to pick me up after work, or we are gonna go out driging or sumthing. Then never showing up, leaving me in anticipation, teaching me the value of staying true to my word. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 11th, 2005|06:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | practicing Dead leave and the Dirty Ground - White Stripes | ] |
I went to roller world with carmen and her family. I think her family is under the impression were broken up. Im not sure, they always speak in spanish. Even if they do think that way, it doesnt really make me feel like a million bucks. Her brother is a fucking prick. I'm just a loser who is tagging along with his ex-girlfriend and her family to roller world. Last night on the phone we talked alot. She was with her cousin, they were playing a joke on me, acting really weird pretending they were drunk. Carmen asked me if I wanted to be her boyfriend. for the second time. I'm not sure if hearing it was as good as the first time, but it still felt nice. We even kissed, but I'm still not sure what her family thinks or what they are supposed to think. I'm very lost and confused in this matter.
Her mother dropped me off at the top of my street. I bought a half gallon of chocolate peanut butter cup ice cream, an orange juice, and a drakes pastery. When I walked into my house I smelt something I hadnt smelled in a long time. My older sister's house, where I lived for 3 months sophomore year. I remember seeing a body spray commercial that said, smell is the strongest sense tied to memory. I thought it was funny because I had always known that, not by hearing or reading it, but from experience. I even save old stick of deoderant because they hold a strong sense of nostalgia from the time period from when I wore them. I even have one from when I lived at my sisters house. It's still early, i doubt carmen is gonna call for a while, I'm just gonna keep practicing my sister's guitar. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 10th, 2005|09:55 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bored | ] |
| [ | music |
| | You are the One - HIM | ] |
I've been inside all day, except for walking up to the bar to get a burger. Carmen hasnt called me all day. I wonder if she is working, i think she told me she wasnt, since before the break up thing we were gonna go ice skating today. I'm still waiting for her to call, her mother is supposedly taking her to buy a phone today, i hope she gets one, so we can talk like we used to. I've been listening to a massively diverse amount of music today. I just finished listening to like all of my favorite white stripes songs after listening. I'm actually about to walk up to my mother's house to borrow my sister's guitar. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 10th, 2005|03:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  scared | ] |
| [ | music |
| | all you are - mudvayne stuck in my head | ] |
we decided to break up until we can truly be together and things between ehr and her family are better. Yet we still talk on the phone, and still see each other in school, and she still wants to hang out on thursdays. But we cant hold hands, say i love you, or kiss or even touch each other. Why are we just fucking with ourselves and each other? Carmen's mother is hopeless, she will give false hope of being a caring mother but she will only repeat past mistakes. Her step father is ALWAYS going to hate her. He is never going to accept her no matter what. Any possible chance of her step dad ever understanding or even attempting to even think about trying to care, relies on Carmen coming face to face to him and asking him why and talking to him about it. Which i doubt she will ever do, and if she tried i doubt he would ever give her the chance to.
I've already told myself and carmen. She is my first love. and my only love. Without her i dont want to be with ANYONE else. Ever. and I've alrady vowed never to do so. I've never wanted to have to scroll through many relationships to find one that may work, I've always wanted to find just ONE, ONE so perfect i could stay with her forever. I believed i had found that. But so many problems just keep arising it scares me. And i just keep getting toyed with and fucked with by all these circumstances, i have no choice but to take it and continue to love carmen without question, because i do love her, i just keep getting hurt by everything plagueing her life, which becomes a disease in my mind and tortures my life as a result. but it doesnt matter how i feel, no one has ever cared before now, no one will care. i notice most of the time carmen doesnt care either, I dont mind. |
|
|
| Stupid and Worthless |
[Dec. 10th, 2005|03:31 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | worthless, scared, alone | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Nein - Otep is stuck in my head for some reason | ] |
It about 3:34. Waking up today I feel like shit. yesterday there was no school. I woke up and saw it snowing. It wasnt bad at all. So I figured there was school. Just curious anyways, I watched channel 15. Said nothing. So I watched Fox morning new school closures. Nothing about everett being closed. Carmen called me as I left my house to tell me school was cancelled. I went back up stairs, sat down and talked to her for a small while. She said she would call me back later, since she would be home all day. I hate anticipating her call, because I never know when she is gonna call, so i just sit in my room, edgy, and going insane, thinking, trying to pass time until she does. My friends convinced me to go to Old Country Buffet. I went. Carmen called me while I was there. We talked a little then hung up. This is why I like to know exact time of call, so that I can talk to her instead of stuffing my face with some friends. Later when I got home, I was resident evil apocalypse because it has an incredible soundtrack. I didnt hear ANY songs in it whatso ever. Maybe I wasnt paying attention. Carmen called me. We talked for a little while. She told me for christmas vacation she is going to her cousin's house in florida. Her mother suggested that she call her old boyfriend from florida Zack. Carmen's mother hates me. The first time she saw me, was when she caught me in carmen's room when carmen brought me food from her work. The next time she met me, was when carmen brought me to her house, because her mother wanted to meet me. Her mother i guess liked me, because i seemed really nice. But after trying to stick up for carmen, and telling her mother, how to be a mother, and telling her mother how much i hate her stepdad. It seems she makes up excuses to hate me. She thinks I'm a drug addict. Which offends me so much, because I've never done drugs in my life. I dont believe in drugs or medicine. I wont even take aspirin or cough medicine. I got really upset because I'm terribly jealous of zack. He was there for carmen when I wasnt, he was alot nicer, and more compasionate than me. and Carmen still cares about him. They went out of 5 months, and when carmen moved, they still were going out long distance for over a year. When carmen told her mother that we broke up, she was happy. What hurts me even more, is when carmen cant stick up for me. She just takes insults that arent true from her parents and keeps quiet about them. I made carmen cry when I read an old poem i wrote about how i felt about zack. Basically it was just me ranting about killing zack because he ruined my life. I dont want to be broken up with carmen. I dont want to not kiss her in the halls, i dont want to not hold her hand, i dont want her to move to florida, i dont want her to call zack, i dont want to be alone. ive been alone my whole life, but now that i know what its like to have someone, I've become weak. its so hard to be alone, i dont want to be alone. but i dont want anyone, i just want carmen. I'm so scared about the future. please, i just want to be with carmen. i would throw away my whole life and live alone in a log cabin if i could just be with her.
"its so hard to be alone, i dont want to be alone" |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 8th, 2005|11:22 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | Little lonely, but happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Under the Rose - HIM | ] |
This is my first real entry. I guess I'll just write quick stuff about today, not too detailed, I already spent like hours writing in a notepad document about teh great detail of a single situation that ended up taking like 20 pages.
anyways. Thursday, me and carmen hang out today. We went to taco bell. and both got really upset. We both often have alot of trouble with issues about our lives and psychological problems. It ended up worse this time than ever before. I went home and wrote for a few hours. Carmen helped inspire me to write. After feeling alot better. I tried to call carmen but i couldnt get ahold of her. I got ready to go see her at the school since she was at a play there. I had alot in my mind. And I wanted to know once and for all if she loved me or not, and wanted to be with me. I often dont think she trusts or loves me because she rarely tells me what she is thinking or how she is feeling. She called me on the way there and asked If I wanted to meet up. I was really defensive on the phone so we almost didnt meet up. But we did. We talked alot. We had decided that Carmen really needs to work on improving her home life with her family. I was actually happy and totally agreed because I had always had this desire in my heart. I want carmen to be able to live a normal life and for her parents to like and care about her. We decided that one day we will be happy and together, but until then we can never really be that close, at least physically. We are still going to talk in school and such she even still wants to hang out with me on thursdays. And she promised me, that no matter what. This time is going to stay faithful. Pinky promise. |
|
|
| paint it black |
[Dec. 7th, 2005|07:58 pm] |
|
i guess this is just a test entry |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
manjinken's journal